My Optimism is Running Out

Have you ever found yourself completely drained of optimism? All you want to do is give up. You can't decide if you want to throw a tantrum or curl up and bawl your eyes out or both.

I'm just so fed up. :o(

I've tried to stay positive. I really have. I've tried joking about it hoping a sense of humor would keep me sane. But I'm at the end of my rope...

I've never been this frustrated in my life. I'm starting to understand why my mother acts the way she does sometimes. It's difficult to be cheerful when shit is always going wrong. And growing up in the Johnson household, well, shit ALWAYS went wrong.

Rhett has been trying so hard lately to get my car back together. He got so close, but then one little thing went wrong, and now it's a huge ordeal. Everything seems to be working against me where this car is concerned. I've reached a point where joking about it being cursed, joking about setting it on fire, joking about it period is just pointless. It doesn't help matters. I'm tired of joking about it. My sense of humor about the situation has finally come to an end. I just want it done. I want the car drivable and no longer anyone else's concern but my own. I hate that it's making Rhett so upset, I hate that we keep trying to find people to blame, I hate having to beg rides off people, I hate it's keeping Rhett from getting the other cars fixed. Had I known it was going to be a continual problem, I would have told Rhett to go check on fixing the Audi rather than fighting with my car. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I'm just tired. Frustrated. Fed up. And there is no way to get out from under this mess. All we can do is keep fighting it. It's tiresome listening to people tell me, "oh, it'll get fixed eventually" or "it'll workout somehow." Listening to everyone's well-wishing vagueries is just as frustrating and only fuels my rage toward my car situation. At this point, I don't want to hear about how it'll work out eventually! I just want it to be done! I just want SOMETHING, ANYTHING go right and just be done. It's not even anyone's fault. Shit just happens. But just once I'd like things to go smoothly. For things to work out as they should. Just once. Is that really too much to ask? Honestly, I was fine waiting on my car to be fixed as long as I had a car to drive. I can't even get that much to go right.

I'm completely helpless. I can't fix my own car. I can't afford to have it taken somewhere to be a paid professional's headache instead of Rhett's.

I'm just tired of it all. So tired.